A Relationship by Any Other Name

Have you heard a woman saying "..she is not my mother-in-law but she is like my mother..". I have often heard this in movies. I have come across a few women who insist that their daughters-in-law call them mother and not mother-in-law. This saddens me.
I know all the bad rap the mother-in-law tag has. Why not live in a way such that mother-in-law means something good.
Most of us hope to get married once and stay married to that one person. So the chance that you will get to call a woman a mother-in-law will also be only once. So why not call her a mother-in-law and why bring in the tag of mother? Can you imagine calling any other family member by a relationship that they are not?
Improve the relationship, if it has to. But do not change the name of the relationship.

36 Vayadhinile

Yes yes I loved it. Jyothika was awesome. It was light-hearted with a strong message. No tears atleast no ugly tears. Thank you, 36 Vayadhinile team. It definitely passes the Bechdel Test.
This post would be incomplete if I didn't mention the original Malyalam movie starring Manju Warrier. But ignorant me knew about it only after getting to know about this movie.

If we want the quality of our movies to improve, I strongly believe that women should go out to the theaters and watch movies. We should voice out our opinions about these movies. Otherwise, we will be bombarded with lousy and regressive movies. We do not want that, do we?

I love Historical Fiction

Yes, I love historical fiction. It has become my favorite genre. I spend hours reading about them. This has been my favourite genre for the past three years.
I picked up rather started listening to Philippa Gregory's White Queen out of curiosity and now historical fiction has become my obsession. I always loved history and I like it when historical fiction portrays the emotions and struggles behind that history.
I realized that there are many people who do not agree with Philippa Gregory's take on history. There are people who do not like her style of writing too. She introduced me to this genre and I find that her writing very engaging. In an interview she said that she spends days imagining what her characters must have gone through. This is very evident in her books.
I accept that as a school girl, I watched old movies for their lovely gowns and dresses. Slowly as I grew up and recognized social injustices, I started noticing how the society evolved. As the feminist in me grew, I was able to recognize the position and treatment meted out to women. But at that point books about history were not labeled historical fiction. At least not that I was aware of.
Yes, I have read more about English history than Indian history because I see less of propaganda and more of history in their books. Have you noticed that these days Indian history discussions revolve around maligning people from the pages of history. It is presented as though the intention is to correct history but it leaves a bitter taste. Yes, I am all for recognizing for their deeds. Yes, Indian history specially the freedom struggle resembled the corporate environment where the most "visible" ones were the most recognized and loved. As a somewhat introvert, I appreciate all those lesser heard names. But to do so we do not have to malign the popular ones. With the exception of Indu Sundaresan, I have rarely come across Indian authors who are fair to all the sections of the Indian society.
An interest in this genre has led me to discover a few fascinating things. I started following many pages about history on Facebook. Going back to English history, it was amusing and surprising that the Britishers feel so strongly about their royalty.  There people who love Tudors and who hate them. There are blogs supporting Richard 3 or Edward 2. People defend and love them with a passion that I have not come across Indians. I wonder if the Indian royals would have continued the way they did in UK, we probably would have felt the same way too. It is interesting to read the discussions anyway. Another fascinating find was this website - http://www.frockflicks.com/ The women in this website discuss the costumes and their podcasts and blogs are quite eye-opening.

That Affected Me??

I have been wondering about my writing hiatus. There has been no dearth of topics. Everyday I can think of something to write. But I just could not sit down to write.
I could identify a few reasons. But the most silly of them is my desk or writing place.
Earlier, when I was fairly regular with my blogging I used my desktop to blog rather than my laptop. Later I started solely relying on my laptop. Which meant I didn't use a table and chair. I was lazily lying on my bed. The first thing that you want to do when you are lying on a bed is to do some major time pass activities like facebook and chatting before drifting off to sleep.
I am able to focus better sitting at a desk. I realized it very late. I am not blogging regularly but I am able to browse and read up information that cannot be classified as time pass.
So what affects your writing?

Writers Write

I wanted to create a goal or a mission statement for this blog. Just like I have been meaning to write a personal creed. We all know how well that is going. I wanted something elaborate and fun. Something that would reflect my ambitions for my future. But I am just not sitting at my desk for enough time to put it down on paper rather laptop. The other day, it struck me that I have to keep writing. Thats what writers do. We write. Thank you, thank you. I know this is such a deep, reflective post. I am floating on air in my padma asana posture. :)

Family

What is your definition of a family? Ideally and traditionally it should be a father, mother, and children with a lot of support from extended family. But some people are luckier than some others.
I was browsing and found this quote about family but I forgot to save the link-
“There is love in the household and that the children can depend on the adults to nurture them, guide them, and protect them. That’s family.” I thought it was a very good definition of a family. But I realized just now that it is a non-inclusive one. I think that is the best definition of a healthy family environment for children. Without getting too sentimental, I think a family is one where people are nurtured by each other. Period.

Psst.. come closer

Its Friday today and do you know how I start my weekends every Friday evening? I drool over this awesomeness - Apartment Therapy, I love you. It takes me to far away land where I live in a country house or a cosy cottage. It keeps my fantasies alive. Ok, that was a stretch. It is feast for my eyes. Ok shhh.

How Do They Do It?

So how does a mother of three children all below the age of three update her blog regularly? How does this mother of three all below the age of five update her blog regularly? Or how does this mother of two, studying to be a doctor, experiment with cooking and knitting and update her blog regularly. Yep, time management. They do it so well. I wish I could write atleast tiny posts that are so very creative like her. Aah, I wish I could look like her. No, I wish I could write like her. :)

Blogging Sentiments

Do you suffer any sentiments associated with blogging?
I wanted to blog about certain atrocious incidents against women. My blood was boiling but I just could not sit down to write about them because I was happy about certain events in my life and did not want to cloud those moments with unpleasant thoughts. I know, very stupid logic but I am not going to apologise either.

Numbing the Pain

I understand why the mind numbs the pain. It is a coping mechanism and I love nature for doing it. When a person repeatedly goes through bouts of pain, the mind protects the heart by numbing the pain. If the heart is allowed to experience all that pain, it would not last very long. So this is a good solution.
But it is sad that the person goes dead inside. Watching this TED video was a revelation for me. It was shocking to know that a person who numbs pain cannot experience joy or love.
Another thing that I observed about this video is the claim that people in this generation are more prone to drugs, depression etc because we numb our pain. Doesn't it make you wonder how people in the older generations coped. Because people across all cultures in the yesteryears were asked to shutup and follow the rules. Our generation is by far the most expressive of all generations. Example: Facebook, loaded with useless rants.
So I wanted an answer for this question and bought Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" when I started writing this post. Since then I have moved on to two other books because Brene Brown was ranting about her personal journey in the book too. I will probably get back to this book later.

Arranged Marriages and The Big Bang Theory

I have been watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory and it struck me that these guys are ideal candidates for the arranged marriage market.

You ask me how?

All four of them are highly educated. All of them hold a phd degree except Howard.

All four of them are scientists.

All four of them are whipped by obedient to their mothers.

They have zero sexual history.

Can’t talk to women even if they wanted to.

No addictions.

God-fearing mother/ Scientist parents/ Rich gynecologist father.

It does read like a matrimonial ad isn't it? Well settled groom, good family background, and clean habits. All they have to do is post an ad saying “Seeking bride who is fair, slim, educated, homely (or should it be home loving?), and a working woman” and matches are going to pour in by the scores.

My bet is Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s profile will be the most sought after one. All four of them would be married in no time irrespective of how dysfunctional they are.

Don’t start talking about the benefits of an arranged marriage because you would be preaching to the choir. I had an arranged marriage. It is not necessarily such a bad thing. Arranged or love boils down to commitment. My question is how long will arranged marriages be relevant? We meet people of the opposite sex everyday. We know the kinds of people out there. Most of us need more than one meeting to find someone mildly attractive. Even love at first sight needs time and intimacy to evolve into a relationship that is ready for marriage.   
Don’t fool yourself in saying that we can find a middle ground between arranged and love marriage. You know there is no such thing as a love cum arranged marriage. If you find your spouse its love marriage and if your parents find your spouse it is called arranged marriage. It is your life. Grow up and take control of it.  

I remember my college lecturer saying “Marriage is like a lottery. Love marriages could give us a chance to tilt the scales in our favour.”

Haven’t our parents done enough for us already? Why burden them with finding our spouses too? Everybody’s profile looks good on paper. So take a good look at your profile, gain confidence, and meet people. Ditch community etc in favour of personality and compatibility. Meet people through your friends and dating/matrimonial sites. Join forums or groups that interest you and meet people who have similar interests as yours. Enjoy getting to know them. Decide when your heart and mind says it is the right thing to do.

To quote Frank Sinatra loosely, you may have a few regrets but you would have done it your way.

Note: This post was written for the Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage! contest by Sony Entertainment Television and Indiblogger. Head out to www.facebook.com/LoveYaArrange for more information.

Shaadi Hai, Shaadi Hai

This title was borrowed from Shilpa Shinde’s facebook status that she posted on the day of her marriage. I hope you don’t mind, Shilpa. It is apt for this post.

So my younger, that is, my only brother was married recently. So, be warned that this post can get very mushy and may not make much sense and least of all articulate.

The marriage and my laziness kept me away from blogging.

So you ask if we are a typical brother and sister? Maybe, maybe not.  We are definitely not the movie type brother and sister because we love ragging each other.

It was a beautiful wedding day and everything fell into place making the day even lovelier. I cried happy tears three times during that day. I was very happy but I was a complete mush inside. My baby brother was getting married! But I still consider him a baby. I wrote on his 18^th birthday card that he could be all grown up but he would still be the baby of the family and that opinion continues.

The highlights of the day were:
the groom who was looking handsome as ever, 
the bride was at times blushing and at times joyous and looking completely beautiful every moment, 
the ring bearer was looking perfect, 
we were surrounded by people who loved us, 
the hilarious speech by the groom’s best friend, 
the geeky vote of thanks by the groom, 
and not to forget my darling of a best man. 
All happy moments.

It was fun growing up with my brother. I watched him talk non-stop as a cute toddler, play harmless pranks in the primary school only to turn into a silent and a well-balanced preteen calling his younger self immature. Ahmm..Whatever that means. As a teenager he was serious about his academics and his career. Along the way he learnt to play the keyboard and a bit of guitar, cultivated the habit to read, began quenching his curiosity about the world around him, travel, photography, appreciate good food, bungee jump, and play golf. Have I told you he loves photography? He gave clear instructions to the photographer on the eve of his wedding day about the events that were to follow, the angles that had to be covered, the poses etc. He gave instructions to the bridal party about the types of photos he wanted. Perfectionist, huh? But the results were awesome.

My sister in law is a sweet person with a bright smile and it was cute to watch her roam around the house popping bubble wrap.

The next marriage in the family will be my hero’s unless of course Bru’s kids overtake him. We will then tease him about this day when he became the runaway ring bearer, who refused to hold the pillow with the rings, didn’t hold the hands of the bridesmaid nor the flower girls', didn’t want to pose for the camera, and ran away from the bridal procession.

Here are some pics of my parents’ house and pics during the wedding day that were not posted on FB:

And the einvite we designed:

Nesting Syndrome

When I was pregnant I suddenly had the urge to clean the house. This urge got stronger as I was getting closer to my due date. I got to know that this called the nesting syndrome. It is just a way to prepare for the birth of a baby. Birds do it too.  They build nests, decorate it with feathers, and make it cozy with twigs, feathers, mud etc.

Isn’t it amazing that nature makes us do stuff that is right for our situation. I often wonder what pushes us to buy a house. Is it nature again doing the trick? Do we as human beings need a space to call our own? So do you think buying a house is a materialistic aspiration? Maybe, maybe not.

My blog for a very long time has been my space. I decorated this space just like I would my own house, to reflect my personality. I bought a house last year and the sentiment transferred to the house.

I realized a house means a lot of things to a lot of different people. For many people it is their nest or crib with a lot of sentiments attached to it. For some it is an investment with no sentiments. For some it is a goal of a lifetime. For some, one is just not enough. Ah a house in the city may be a condo or a penthouse, one farm house for the weekend and one house for the retirement, not to forget the one for vacations. Would be great but that is a lot isn’t it?

For some people a house could represent hope for the future like the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. If you haven’t watched it, want to watch a movie with hope, and don’t mind watching a slow movie then you should watch it. It is about a lady who goes through a painful divorce but has not grown bitter because of it. She buys a dilapidated house in Tuscany and hopes to fix it. Dreams of having a big family so that she can cook for them in her big kitchen, hopes to have a wedding and a baby in the house. I just love the movie. According to the movie, a railway line was built in that area of Italy when trains were just invented and there were no plans of running trains in Tuscany. See the simile?

For some people buying a house could mean having some amount of control over their lives like the guy in How I Met Your Mother. He goes through many break ups and decides that the right girl can come into his life whenever she wants. He goes ahead to buy his dream house. His friends think he is crazy but he explains that the house is one thing in his life that he has control over and hence the purchase.

Here are some items that I bought before I bought my house.

And the name plate I ordered with Adipa a few weeks back: 

It was delivered just before Easter. Yayay.

Speaking of dream houses, here is my dream house. I want a small garden with a big tree and a swing, a big library, bathroom with a tub, the roof above my bed would be glass so that I can look at the stars and the rain at night, herbs for pest control, a window seat, big windows covered with light curtains, a roof garden to insulate the house from the sun, a cozy, bright, and comfortable kitchen attached with an dining area to entertain friends, balconies covered with straw blinds, wifi, and a water source somewhere in the locality.

So what elements will be part of your dream house? Please share it even if it is just a fantasy. Love to read about it and probably day dream about it.

Dowry is so passe

A friend shared a post on facebook about an appeal for justice from a brother. His sister was allegedly killed by her inlaws in want of more dowry. I poked around a bit to ensure it was not some spam. The guy’s profile seemed genuine and up until Jan 26^th he seemed like an average Joe. I am not sure if the route that he has taken is the best route. But desperate situations call for desperate measures. I have been in relatively much less helpless situations and I wondered if things were completely out of my control whom would I direct my anger upon? So I do not want to debate if this helpless brother’s ways are right. I am sure he is doing the best he can to get justice for his departed sister. Few people suggested on one of his posts that if he is a good brother or a MAN he should avenge the death of his sister. I hope he shows restraint and stays away from all that is illegal.

When I was in high school, I remember discussing about the problem with a passion. During my college days and much later, it was quite clear. NO DOWRY. It was more in the lines of “who gives dowry these days anyway”. The ones who give should be punished. But when you are young and inexperienced things are so black and white.

If love marriage was the answer to dowry problem, I would have promoted it to every unmarried girl I met. Sadly, it is not. In love marriages too, we have money, gifts, and jewels being doled out lavishly.

Some of the reactions we get when we discuss dowry is very amazing. In one of the programs I was watching on TV, a group of women were staunchly denying that our country has a dowry problem. They were saying that it is a problem of the past and that dowry deaths are rare. The show’s host had to intervene at one point and ask if every woman in India leaves her maternal home with just her bridal clothes and does not pack with her anything else. Such denial is very common among the lucky few in India who did not have to “pay” dowry but probably gave “gifts” to their inlaws out of “love”, tradition, customs and so on. Lot of women think their parents are showing their love for them by giving them a lot of dowry. Some women ask their parents to pay more because they can flaunt all they got from their maternal home among their inlaws. Men see it as a complement and a great honour. Most women from communities that do not practice dowry, seem out of touch with reality. According to many of them, dowry deaths seem to be a mere fictional statistic. Sadly, most communities in India are now demanding dowry even though they traditionally did not have any such custom. Dowry seems like a virus. 

Story of an average Indian woman:

Most women in India are emotional fools. Lot of women wait for their parents’ consent to marry the man of their choice. I know women who have waited eight to nine years to get their parents’ blessings and then proceeded to marry decent, loving men. Some go to the extent of avoiding to fall in love until they are married to the man of their parents’ choice. Is it right or wrong? I don’t know. It is a different debate. This is the current situation of most women and I don’t see it changing for another generation. My point is, it is difficult for most women to be stubborn about dowry and remain unmarried especially if they dreamt of having a family of their own someday. If an average Indian woman does not fall in love, is she willing to find a partner on her own? Is she willing to use any dating sites? Does she see it as being proactive about her life or snatching away the rights of her parents? Does she see finding a partner of her choice as a respectable thing to do?  Are Indian women really independent in their thought process even if they are educated and financially independent? How many will choose to marry a man from their community only because their parents think it is the right thing to do? What about meeting the guy a few times before deciding? How many are willing to take responsibility and take charge of their lives? Are we willing to encourage our sisters or daughters to do it?

The arranged marriage market in India can be very mean to women. Men too. But, women have to pay and bear the insults. Men have to just bear the insults. I wouldn’t want anyone going through it though. There is a price tag for every so called ":flaw" in a woman's appearance and you go down to the bottom of the marriage market pyramid. 

According to statistics, marriages in India are a multi-billion dollar industry. People seem to splurge their life savings on their daughters’ weddings. Do you know that Indian invitation cards have Swarovski crystals stuck on them these days? What is done with the cards after the wedding?

Abroad, from whatever little I know, most of the expenses are borne by the couple and not much by the parents. Yes, even there, people want wedding ceremonies right out of their dreams and movie sets. They do take a loan and it does affect their credit rating. But it is not demeaning to the bride. Broke but not hurt.

Here are some things I could think of to stop this menace so that we have no blood on our hands. Yes, every Indian is in some way responsible for all the dowry deaths, isn't it? Tell me if this is do-able:

• Encourage women to be independent and find their partners on their own, if they choose to get married. If they do not want to be married, let them be.
• Please don't call "dowry" Indian culture. Cultured people treat their women with respect.
• If you are not yet married, splurge a little less on your wedding day. I am sure every bride prefers a happy marriage than a beautiful wedding day.
• Do not show off about your wedding ceremonies and the expenses incurred. I know, me blogging about my wedding day was wrong. I am guilty of this and I am sorry, sorry, very sorry.
• Encourage your male relatives to say no to dowry. For men who grew up and living in cities, it is a lot easier than for men who grew up in rural, tight knit communities.
• Talk with men you know and let them know that it is a regressive and evil practice.  Most men do know that actually. But broach up the topic and listen to what they have to say.
• If you/someone you know paid/received dowry or gave/received “gifts”, please don’t publicise it. If you have to share that information with someone (I don’t see why you have to, but anyway), please don’t exaggerate it. Avoid discussing it. All those dowry deaths happened because someone refused to shutup and inflated someone's greed. So remember, this is blood on your hands.
• When you hear someone discuss the amount or things given as dowry, please do not say “oh that xyz amount is common these days.” “that amount is ok, these days they are demanding so much (some higher xyz amount)” “that amount is fine, even rickshaw drivers demand so much (some xyz amount) as dowry”.
• Try to politely discourage people from discussing how much some XYZ paid/received.
• Talk against dowry in any form in any forum, blog about it, make some noise even at the expense of being called a “big bore”.
• If you or your family member refuses dowry, you are not doing a favour to the bride. If she is happy, the husband and everyone in the family are happy. No brownie points for doing what is expected out of you.
• Let us make dowry uncool and embarrass the ones who brag about it. Celebrate and publicly praise the ones who refuse to take dowry.

My Mom says that when she was a kid her Dad believed that dowry would be non-existent in a few years because many women would be educated and empowered. I don’t share his optimism. As long as greed is in a human being, this practice is going to continue unless we do something about it.

Happy Valentine's Day

This story is really a happily ever after kind of a story. A real story. The story is set in the 1940s. The story is about two young people beginning their life in a very young India.

She was the second daughter of a family with three surviving girls. The other two daughters were not interested in academics. She loved learning about new things. So her parents encouraged her to study beyond high school and pursue teacher’s training. She was loving the freedom of it. She was nearing her late teens, a ripe age to get married at that time.

He was the son of a rich farmer. His father was a well traveled man. His father was knowledgeable and led a frugal life of a simple farmer. You could stand in any part of his village and all the land that you saw until your eye reached the horizon belonged to his father.  But he never cared about it. He wanted to be independent. He did not want to follow his dad’s footsteps. He studied to become a teacher just like his elder brother. He studied hard and became a Mathematics teacher in one of the most prestigious schools of south India.

His parents, like all Indian parents, dutifully started looking for a bride for their younger son now that their elder son was married. They got her alliance through an acquaintance. They heard the girl was very pretty and fair. Now even though a very fair girl was not common to find, they found that the family was not rich. Infact, the family was barely making two ends meet. They decided that they will inform their son about it and let him decide after all it was his life.

He was surprised that a family with little means was willing to educate their daughter. He was impressed. He decided he was going to meet the family. He met her father and had a glimpse of her in the local church. He was smitten to say the least.

He decided she was the one for him and informed his parents about his decision. His parents were shocked. This kind of a thing didn’t happen at that time. Children were rarely allowed to decide about such matters. This was unheard of. But knowing that their son could be stubborn they relented. He didn’t want any dowry. Moreover he paid for the wedding and bought his bride jewels so that she could feel like a queen, his queen. His parents were surprised but were secretly proud of their son.

She loved him and he adored her. They were an ideal couple. She would ably handle the children, house hold, the servants, and so on. He was crazy about his family. Their children grew up with the same sense of independence and thirst for knowledge. They were together until death drove them apart only to be united in heaven. He passed on first and she followed later survived by four daughters, two sons, a flock of grandchildren and great grand children, all of whom loved them. Their elder son has a darling of a daughter, does’nt she?  Yes she is. Happy Valentine's day.

Azhagar Samy Kuthirai

It is 2012 already. I wanted to write this post for quite sometime now. But I never got around doing it. You probably would have watched this movie. I am still not sure if I should be writing about this movie. But Azhagar Samy Kuthirai is a kind of movie that we should write about. Such movies deserve a lot of appreciation and encouragement. When I started watching this movie I thought “Here we go again. Another Tamil movie about rural Tamil Nadu with a average looking hero (more of an unkempt looking hero) and some silly sentiment.” But as the movie progressed I began enjoying the movie.

In a nutshell, the movie is about an idol of a kuthirai (horse) which is seen as the protector of the village. This idol goes missing and then miraculously is replaced by a live horse. The live one actually belongs to the hero, Azhagar Samy, who wants to take it home. The entire village is against him because they believe it is their God. The hero has very little time to take it home because his marriage depends upon his successful career and his career depends upon the horse.

Now if you are hoping for a few thrilling stunts by the horse, I am sorry there is none of it. It is a story of simple folk who lead monotonous lives. The director sketches the lives of rural people and their everyday struggles. But he does not want you to pity them. He touches upon the social evils of the country. But he treats you like an intelligent viewer who can note the irony in the situation. He does not din about any of these evils with loud dialogues and so on. For instance, the hero is portrayed as one who does not score very high in the looks department and that is an understatement actually. He owns one horse. He is hired by people to transport things across hills and valleys using his horse. The hero is presumably illiterate. The heroine fits into the south Indian definition of good looks. You know the fair, soft spoken, and so on type. She also presumably completed primary or high school because she dresses up decently well. Yet her dad promises pieces of jewels and a small piece of land as dowry. Nobody in the movie reacts to the situation. But as a viewer you cant miss the irony and you acknowledge that such things do happen in every part of our country. Similarly, you will notice child labour, child labour in sweatshops, death of farmers, struggling artisans and so on. They make you sad but you watch helplessly just like we watch them in our daily lives and do nothing about it.

There are hilarious scenes with innocent yet street smart kids, bogus gurus, blind beliefs, and so on. I loved the scene where a few elders of the village go to the police station to report the theft of the horse. All kinds of conspiracy theories come up during the investigation. The local youth to the visiting foreigners are all blamed. You see the trust and the cynicism of the villagers simultaneously. I also loved the last scene where the president curses the village that it will not receive any rains and immediately it starts pouring.

Every time, I watch Iranian movies with simple yet gripping stories, I wonder if we will ever get to watch such movies on Indian cinema. This movie raised my hopes. Watch it if you haven’t already watched it and if you can understand Tamil. You will like it. 

Woo Your Husband

Watch this ad about wooing your husband.

Now, consider this scene I witnessed in a furnishings store. A woman in her fifties is shopping along with her son and daughter-in-law who are in their twenties. The DIL picked up a set of napkins and the MIL asked her if she really needed them. I was expecting the DIL to politely say that she liked it or that it matched the curtains etc. but she chose to meekly look at her husband and looked back at the napkins. She then unwillingly she put them back and then demurely looked at her husband. The husband then said to his mother “adhi emi chesukunte neeku emiti? Napkins theesuko”. Literally translated to “how does it matter to you what she is going to do with them. You can buy the napkins”. The husband paid for the stuff they bought and asked the women to fetch the stuff to the entrance while he would drive down from the parking. While the cashier was packing the purchases the DIL insisted that she needed a bigger carry bag. The MIL said that the bag was enough for their purchases. The daughter-in-law very assertively said that she wanted a bigger one.

I surprised that this same woman who was so helpless around her husband was very firm with her MIL and the cashier. I wondered if the husband knew that his wife was assertive.

Have you seen newly married couples in malls where the husband chooses dresses that are “modern” according to him? The wife tries them on clearly uncomfortable in the new set of clothes. A woman can look very trendy and smart in a nice pair of salwar-kameez or sari. The woman need not loose her personality to look “modern” in her husband’s eyes. After all one’s dressing style is a very important part of one’s personality. A woman should be allowed to explore and wear something that suits her personality and sense of style. But for many women their sense of dressing is dictated by their husbands. The woman’s choices are usually seen as too conservative/boring or too modern/slutty.

I don’t want to be too judgmental. I know marriages are not easy and all husbands/inlaws are not easy. My objection is to these compromises being seen as a smart choice. I have seen many movies specially made in the seventies or eighties, specially the ones where there is a lot chaos in the family and then a DIL enters to change everything, in which such messages where delivered. When a woman gives up her personality it is called adjustment and when she masks her personality she is called smart. I remember one Tamil serial in particular called Metti Oli in which the elder sister in the family is seen as a very samardhyam (capable) woman. She adjusts, changes, suffers, manipulates, and so on all for a worthless husband who never appreciates her and then when they are finally old acknowledges her, gives her control of the household and finances blah blah. Fruits of handwork are sweet kind of message. Yeah yeah I hated it but I still watched it because I didn’t have anything better to do :p.

I wonder if these are the different methods a woman must employ to have a successful marriage. If she really does, will she have an authentic relationship with her husband? Do we need to sugarcoat every word, mask our emotions, act dumb, act innocent and helpless and expect the MAN to do everything that poor me cannot do, manipulate, to have a picture perfect marriage/relationship? Why is the media conveying such messages?

Aadab Hyderabad

Aadab Hyderabad

You must visit this blog if you are a true blue Hyderabadi like me, lived here, visited it, heard about it, love photography or history, or whatever category you belong.

Random Thoughts

I am recovering from the love showered by the weather. This time the weather was a little too generous with me and my wheezing coughs scared my teammates. Every time I fall sick I realize my blog posts are delirious too. So here goes:

• I am surprised that “Why this Kolaveri di” is appreciated by non-tamil speaking people. I was surprised that Dhanush mumbling in Tanglish has become so popular. After listening to it a few times I realized that it is a little silly and tanglish makes it universally appealing as opposed to Tamil. I mean everyone can understand it unlike Tamil. Must say it is very articulate. ;) :D
• Yeah yeah I got to watch a few low budget sensible Tamil movies.
• I guess one falls sick because one’s body wants a break. The question is-was I really that tired?
• I realized that gender stereotyping starts with nursery rhymes. I was watching rhymes with my son and the video for “Around the Mulberry bush” has a girl washing clothes and a boy ironing clothes. Sometime back when I went to a kid’s store I saw rhymes books for boys were different from the ones for girls. I thought it was a one-off bad marketing idea. But there seems to be a pattern here.

Some very intellectual thoughts for you to chew on, is’nt it? :D heheh

Small things that make a world of difference

It is my birthday today and it got me thinking about my past birthdays. I am in a very mushy mood today so I started thinking about some very special moments too. There have been so many moments in my life where I was floored by a small gesture. These have kept me going for a very long time.
Bruno traveled all day long to come to Hyderabad so that he could celebrate my birthday. This is not a small gesture though. But, how many brothers do that for their sisters? My parents try to make my birthdays pleasant and memorable. I get my favourite food, cake, cards, dresses and so on. Most of all they are very patient with me when I delay getting ready for office which usually annoys them.
On my 30th birthday Shilpa wrote this blog post for me. I was so honoured. I miss that celebration in Minerva.
My time in Cordys was super good because of friends like Videhi, Sangeetha, and Suneetha. I was so thrilled with that surprise birthday party. Thanks a lot girls.
Now in CA, my Gang of Girls makes everyday fun. Breaks, birthdays, outings, etc are all fun.
My college birthdays were unforgettable. I would be, as always, late to class. I would then try to rush into the class as though a few seconds were going to help me getting into the class on time. As soon as my friends could hear me coming in through the corridor they would start singing “Happy B’day..”.
Then there is this friend who calls me on every birthday since I started working in Dell and sings the complete birthday song with a lot of enthusiasm.
Then there are some very special moments that I will cherish forever. Like my brother bought me a IPod and setup a wireless network at home after Benno was born. This year when my Dad got to know about Daughter’s day, he bought me a bouquet. That was such a sweet gesture.
On the launch of Akansha, Shilpa gave me a bouquet and a card just to wish me luck. Akansha was appreciated by everybody in Dell but all those praises cannot equal what Shilpa did for me. One moment treasured for the rest of my life.
In another instance, Sneha and I were meeting after a long weekend. As soon as she saw me she starting squealing that she really missed me. Another treasured moment.
Once when Videhi was shopping for books she bought me a German dictionary because I was going German classes then.
Treasured moments presented by some of the most treasured people in my life.
There are so many such instances but this page is not going to be enough. So I end here.