How Do They Do It?

So how does a mother of three children all below the age of three update her blog regularly? How does this mother of three all below the age of five update her blog regularly? Or how does this mother of two, studying to be a doctor, experiment with cooking and knitting and update her blog regularly. Yep, time management. They do it so well. I wish I could write atleast tiny posts that are so very creative like her. Aah, I wish I could look like her. No, I wish I could write like her. :)

Blogging Sentiments

Do you suffer any sentiments associated with blogging?
I wanted to blog about certain atrocious incidents against women. My blood was boiling but I just could not sit down to write about them because I was happy about certain events in my life and did not want to cloud those moments with unpleasant thoughts. I know, very stupid logic but I am not going to apologise either.

Numbing the Pain

I understand why the mind numbs the pain. It is a coping mechanism and I love nature for doing it. When a person repeatedly goes through bouts of pain, the mind protects the heart by numbing the pain. If the heart is allowed to experience all that pain, it would not last very long. So this is a good solution.
But it is sad that the person goes dead inside. Watching this TED video was a revelation for me. It was shocking to know that a person who numbs pain cannot experience joy or love.
Another thing that I observed about this video is the claim that people in this generation are more prone to drugs, depression etc because we numb our pain. Doesn't it make you wonder how people in the older generations coped. Because people across all cultures in the yesteryears were asked to shutup and follow the rules. Our generation is by far the most expressive of all generations. Example: Facebook, loaded with useless rants.
So I wanted an answer for this question and bought Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection" when I started writing this post. Since then I have moved on to two other books because Brene Brown was ranting about her personal journey in the book too. I will probably get back to this book later.

Arranged Marriages and The Big Bang Theory

I have been watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory and it struck me that these guys are ideal candidates for the arranged marriage market.

You ask me how?

All four of them are highly educated. All of them hold a phd degree except Howard.

All four of them are scientists.

All four of them are whipped by obedient to their mothers.

They have zero sexual history.

Can’t talk to women even if they wanted to.

No addictions.

God-fearing mother/ Scientist parents/ Rich gynecologist father.

It does read like a matrimonial ad isn't it? Well settled groom, good family background, and clean habits. All they have to do is post an ad saying “Seeking bride who is fair, slim, educated, homely (or should it be home loving?), and a working woman” and matches are going to pour in by the scores.

My bet is Dr. Sheldon Cooper’s profile will be the most sought after one. All four of them would be married in no time irrespective of how dysfunctional they are.

Don’t start talking about the benefits of an arranged marriage because you would be preaching to the choir. I had an arranged marriage. It is not necessarily such a bad thing. Arranged or love boils down to commitment. My question is how long will arranged marriages be relevant? We meet people of the opposite sex everyday. We know the kinds of people out there. Most of us need more than one meeting to find someone mildly attractive. Even love at first sight needs time and intimacy to evolve into a relationship that is ready for marriage.   
Don’t fool yourself in saying that we can find a middle ground between arranged and love marriage. You know there is no such thing as a love cum arranged marriage. If you find your spouse its love marriage and if your parents find your spouse it is called arranged marriage. It is your life. Grow up and take control of it.  

I remember my college lecturer saying “Marriage is like a lottery. Love marriages could give us a chance to tilt the scales in our favour.”

Haven’t our parents done enough for us already? Why burden them with finding our spouses too? Everybody’s profile looks good on paper. So take a good look at your profile, gain confidence, and meet people. Ditch community etc in favour of personality and compatibility. Meet people through your friends and dating/matrimonial sites. Join forums or groups that interest you and meet people who have similar interests as yours. Enjoy getting to know them. Decide when your heart and mind says it is the right thing to do.

To quote Frank Sinatra loosely, you may have a few regrets but you would have done it your way.

Note: This post was written for the Love Marriage ya Arranged Marriage! contest by Sony Entertainment Television and Indiblogger. Head out to www.facebook.com/LoveYaArrange for more information.

Shaadi Hai, Shaadi Hai

This title was borrowed from Shilpa Shinde’s facebook status that she posted on the day of her marriage. I hope you don’t mind, Shilpa. It is apt for this post.

So my younger, that is, my only brother was married recently. So, be warned that this post can get very mushy and may not make much sense and least of all articulate.

The marriage and my laziness kept me away from blogging.

So you ask if we are a typical brother and sister? Maybe, maybe not.  We are definitely not the movie type brother and sister because we love ragging each other.

It was a beautiful wedding day and everything fell into place making the day even lovelier. I cried happy tears three times during that day. I was very happy but I was a complete mush inside. My baby brother was getting married! But I still consider him a baby. I wrote on his 18^th birthday card that he could be all grown up but he would still be the baby of the family and that opinion continues.

The highlights of the day were:
the groom who was looking handsome as ever, 
the bride was at times blushing and at times joyous and looking completely beautiful every moment, 
the ring bearer was looking perfect, 
we were surrounded by people who loved us, 
the hilarious speech by the groom’s best friend, 
the geeky vote of thanks by the groom, 
and not to forget my darling of a best man. 
All happy moments.

It was fun growing up with my brother. I watched him talk non-stop as a cute toddler, play harmless pranks in the primary school only to turn into a silent and a well-balanced preteen calling his younger self immature. Ahmm..Whatever that means. As a teenager he was serious about his academics and his career. Along the way he learnt to play the keyboard and a bit of guitar, cultivated the habit to read, began quenching his curiosity about the world around him, travel, photography, appreciate good food, bungee jump, and play golf. Have I told you he loves photography? He gave clear instructions to the photographer on the eve of his wedding day about the events that were to follow, the angles that had to be covered, the poses etc. He gave instructions to the bridal party about the types of photos he wanted. Perfectionist, huh? But the results were awesome.

My sister in law is a sweet person with a bright smile and it was cute to watch her roam around the house popping bubble wrap.

The next marriage in the family will be my hero’s unless of course Bru’s kids overtake him. We will then tease him about this day when he became the runaway ring bearer, who refused to hold the pillow with the rings, didn’t hold the hands of the bridesmaid nor the flower girls', didn’t want to pose for the camera, and ran away from the bridal procession.

Here are some pics of my parents’ house and pics during the wedding day that were not posted on FB:

And the einvite we designed:

Nesting Syndrome

When I was pregnant I suddenly had the urge to clean the house. This urge got stronger as I was getting closer to my due date. I got to know that this called the nesting syndrome. It is just a way to prepare for the birth of a baby. Birds do it too.  They build nests, decorate it with feathers, and make it cozy with twigs, feathers, mud etc.

Isn’t it amazing that nature makes us do stuff that is right for our situation. I often wonder what pushes us to buy a house. Is it nature again doing the trick? Do we as human beings need a space to call our own? So do you think buying a house is a materialistic aspiration? Maybe, maybe not.

My blog for a very long time has been my space. I decorated this space just like I would my own house, to reflect my personality. I bought a house last year and the sentiment transferred to the house.

I realized a house means a lot of things to a lot of different people. For many people it is their nest or crib with a lot of sentiments attached to it. For some it is an investment with no sentiments. For some it is a goal of a lifetime. For some, one is just not enough. Ah a house in the city may be a condo or a penthouse, one farm house for the weekend and one house for the retirement, not to forget the one for vacations. Would be great but that is a lot isn’t it?

For some people a house could represent hope for the future like the movie Under the Tuscan Sun. If you haven’t watched it, want to watch a movie with hope, and don’t mind watching a slow movie then you should watch it. It is about a lady who goes through a painful divorce but has not grown bitter because of it. She buys a dilapidated house in Tuscany and hopes to fix it. Dreams of having a big family so that she can cook for them in her big kitchen, hopes to have a wedding and a baby in the house. I just love the movie. According to the movie, a railway line was built in that area of Italy when trains were just invented and there were no plans of running trains in Tuscany. See the simile?

For some people buying a house could mean having some amount of control over their lives like the guy in How I Met Your Mother. He goes through many break ups and decides that the right girl can come into his life whenever she wants. He goes ahead to buy his dream house. His friends think he is crazy but he explains that the house is one thing in his life that he has control over and hence the purchase.

Here are some items that I bought before I bought my house.

And the name plate I ordered with Adipa a few weeks back: 

It was delivered just before Easter. Yayay.

Speaking of dream houses, here is my dream house. I want a small garden with a big tree and a swing, a big library, bathroom with a tub, the roof above my bed would be glass so that I can look at the stars and the rain at night, herbs for pest control, a window seat, big windows covered with light curtains, a roof garden to insulate the house from the sun, a cozy, bright, and comfortable kitchen attached with an dining area to entertain friends, balconies covered with straw blinds, wifi, and a water source somewhere in the locality.

So what elements will be part of your dream house? Please share it even if it is just a fantasy. Love to read about it and probably day dream about it.

Dowry is so passe

A friend shared a post on facebook about an appeal for justice from a brother. His sister was allegedly killed by her inlaws in want of more dowry. I poked around a bit to ensure it was not some spam. The guy’s profile seemed genuine and up until Jan 26^th he seemed like an average Joe. I am not sure if the route that he has taken is the best route. But desperate situations call for desperate measures. I have been in relatively much less helpless situations and I wondered if things were completely out of my control whom would I direct my anger upon? So I do not want to debate if this helpless brother’s ways are right. I am sure he is doing the best he can to get justice for his departed sister. Few people suggested on one of his posts that if he is a good brother or a MAN he should avenge the death of his sister. I hope he shows restraint and stays away from all that is illegal.

When I was in high school, I remember discussing about the problem with a passion. During my college days and much later, it was quite clear. NO DOWRY. It was more in the lines of “who gives dowry these days anyway”. The ones who give should be punished. But when you are young and inexperienced things are so black and white.

If love marriage was the answer to dowry problem, I would have promoted it to every unmarried girl I met. Sadly, it is not. In love marriages too, we have money, gifts, and jewels being doled out lavishly.

Some of the reactions we get when we discuss dowry is very amazing. In one of the programs I was watching on TV, a group of women were staunchly denying that our country has a dowry problem. They were saying that it is a problem of the past and that dowry deaths are rare. The show’s host had to intervene at one point and ask if every woman in India leaves her maternal home with just her bridal clothes and does not pack with her anything else. Such denial is very common among the lucky few in India who did not have to “pay” dowry but probably gave “gifts” to their inlaws out of “love”, tradition, customs and so on. Lot of women think their parents are showing their love for them by giving them a lot of dowry. Some women ask their parents to pay more because they can flaunt all they got from their maternal home among their inlaws. Men see it as a complement and a great honour. Most women from communities that do not practice dowry, seem out of touch with reality. According to many of them, dowry deaths seem to be a mere fictional statistic. Sadly, most communities in India are now demanding dowry even though they traditionally did not have any such custom. Dowry seems like a virus. 

Story of an average Indian woman:

Most women in India are emotional fools. Lot of women wait for their parents’ consent to marry the man of their choice. I know women who have waited eight to nine years to get their parents’ blessings and then proceeded to marry decent, loving men. Some go to the extent of avoiding to fall in love until they are married to the man of their parents’ choice. Is it right or wrong? I don’t know. It is a different debate. This is the current situation of most women and I don’t see it changing for another generation. My point is, it is difficult for most women to be stubborn about dowry and remain unmarried especially if they dreamt of having a family of their own someday. If an average Indian woman does not fall in love, is she willing to find a partner on her own? Is she willing to use any dating sites? Does she see it as being proactive about her life or snatching away the rights of her parents? Does she see finding a partner of her choice as a respectable thing to do?  Are Indian women really independent in their thought process even if they are educated and financially independent? How many will choose to marry a man from their community only because their parents think it is the right thing to do? What about meeting the guy a few times before deciding? How many are willing to take responsibility and take charge of their lives? Are we willing to encourage our sisters or daughters to do it?

The arranged marriage market in India can be very mean to women. Men too. But, women have to pay and bear the insults. Men have to just bear the insults. I wouldn’t want anyone going through it though. There is a price tag for every so called ":flaw" in a woman's appearance and you go down to the bottom of the marriage market pyramid. 

According to statistics, marriages in India are a multi-billion dollar industry. People seem to splurge their life savings on their daughters’ weddings. Do you know that Indian invitation cards have Swarovski crystals stuck on them these days? What is done with the cards after the wedding?

Abroad, from whatever little I know, most of the expenses are borne by the couple and not much by the parents. Yes, even there, people want wedding ceremonies right out of their dreams and movie sets. They do take a loan and it does affect their credit rating. But it is not demeaning to the bride. Broke but not hurt.

Here are some things I could think of to stop this menace so that we have no blood on our hands. Yes, every Indian is in some way responsible for all the dowry deaths, isn't it? Tell me if this is do-able:

• Encourage women to be independent and find their partners on their own, if they choose to get married. If they do not want to be married, let them be.
• Please don't call "dowry" Indian culture. Cultured people treat their women with respect.
• If you are not yet married, splurge a little less on your wedding day. I am sure every bride prefers a happy marriage than a beautiful wedding day.
• Do not show off about your wedding ceremonies and the expenses incurred. I know, me blogging about my wedding day was wrong. I am guilty of this and I am sorry, sorry, very sorry.
• Encourage your male relatives to say no to dowry. For men who grew up and living in cities, it is a lot easier than for men who grew up in rural, tight knit communities.
• Talk with men you know and let them know that it is a regressive and evil practice.  Most men do know that actually. But broach up the topic and listen to what they have to say.
• If you/someone you know paid/received dowry or gave/received “gifts”, please don’t publicise it. If you have to share that information with someone (I don’t see why you have to, but anyway), please don’t exaggerate it. Avoid discussing it. All those dowry deaths happened because someone refused to shutup and inflated someone's greed. So remember, this is blood on your hands.
• When you hear someone discuss the amount or things given as dowry, please do not say “oh that xyz amount is common these days.” “that amount is ok, these days they are demanding so much (some higher xyz amount)” “that amount is fine, even rickshaw drivers demand so much (some xyz amount) as dowry”.
• Try to politely discourage people from discussing how much some XYZ paid/received.
• Talk against dowry in any form in any forum, blog about it, make some noise even at the expense of being called a “big bore”.
• If you or your family member refuses dowry, you are not doing a favour to the bride. If she is happy, the husband and everyone in the family are happy. No brownie points for doing what is expected out of you.
• Let us make dowry uncool and embarrass the ones who brag about it. Celebrate and publicly praise the ones who refuse to take dowry.

My Mom says that when she was a kid her Dad believed that dowry would be non-existent in a few years because many women would be educated and empowered. I don’t share his optimism. As long as greed is in a human being, this practice is going to continue unless we do something about it.