Happy Valentine's Day

This story is really a happily ever after kind of a story. A real story. The story is set in the 1940s. The story is about two young people beginning their life in a very young India.

She was the second daughter of a family with three surviving girls. The other two daughters were not interested in academics. She loved learning about new things. So her parents encouraged her to study beyond high school and pursue teacher’s training. She was loving the freedom of it. She was nearing her late teens, a ripe age to get married at that time.

He was the son of a rich farmer. His father was a well traveled man. His father was knowledgeable and led a frugal life of a simple farmer. You could stand in any part of his village and all the land that you saw until your eye reached the horizon belonged to his father.  But he never cared about it. He wanted to be independent. He did not want to follow his dad’s footsteps. He studied to become a teacher just like his elder brother. He studied hard and became a Mathematics teacher in one of the most prestigious schools of south India.

His parents, like all Indian parents, dutifully started looking for a bride for their younger son now that their elder son was married. They got her alliance through an acquaintance. They heard the girl was very pretty and fair. Now even though a very fair girl was not common to find, they found that the family was not rich. Infact, the family was barely making two ends meet. They decided that they will inform their son about it and let him decide after all it was his life.

He was surprised that a family with little means was willing to educate their daughter. He was impressed. He decided he was going to meet the family. He met her father and had a glimpse of her in the local church. He was smitten to say the least.

He decided she was the one for him and informed his parents about his decision. His parents were shocked. This kind of a thing didn’t happen at that time. Children were rarely allowed to decide about such matters. This was unheard of. But knowing that their son could be stubborn they relented. He didn’t want any dowry. Moreover he paid for the wedding and bought his bride jewels so that she could feel like a queen, his queen. His parents were surprised but were secretly proud of their son.

She loved him and he adored her. They were an ideal couple. She would ably handle the children, house hold, the servants, and so on. He was crazy about his family. Their children grew up with the same sense of independence and thirst for knowledge. They were together until death drove them apart. He passed on first and then she followed later survived by four daughters, two sons, a flock of grandchildren and great grand children, all of whom loved them. Their elder son has a darling of a daughter, does’nt she?  Yes she is. Happy Valentine's day.

Azhagar Samy Kuthirai

It is 2012 already. I wanted to write this post for quite sometime now. But I never got around doing it. You probably would have watched this movie. I am still not sure if I should be writing about this movie. But Azhagar Samy Kuthirai is a kind of movie that we should write about. Such movies deserve a lot of appreciation and encouragement. When I started watching this movie I thought “Here we go again. Another Tamil movie about rural Tamil Nadu with a average looking hero (more of an unkempt looking hero) and some silly sentiment.” But as the movie progressed I began enjoying the movie.

In a nutshell, the movie is about an idol of a kuthirai (horse) which is seen as the protector of the village. This idol goes missing and then miraculously is replaced by a live horse. The live one actually belongs to the hero, Azhagar Samy, who wants to take it home. The entire village is against him because they believe it is their God. The hero has very little time to take it home because his marriage depends upon his successful career and his career depends upon the horse.

Now if you are hoping for a few thrilling stunts by the horse, I am sorry there is none of it. It is a story of simple folk who lead monotonous lives. The director sketches the lives of rural people and their everyday struggles. But he does not want you to pity them. He touches upon the social evils of the country. But he treats you like an intelligent viewer who can note the irony in the situation. He does not din about any of these evils with loud dialogues and so on. For instance, the hero is portrayed as one who does not score very high in the looks department and that is an understatement actually. He owns one horse. He is hired by people to transport things across hills and valleys using his horse. The hero is presumably illiterate. The heroine fits into the south Indian definition of good looks. You know the fair, soft spoken, and so on type. She also presumably completed primary or high school because she dresses up decently well. Yet her dad promises pieces of jewels and a small piece of land as dowry. Nobody in the movie reacts to the situation. But as a viewer you cant miss the irony and you acknowledge that such things do happen in every part of our country. Similarly, you will notice child labour, child labour in sweatshops, death of farmers, struggling artisans and so on. They make you sad but you watch helplessly just like we watch them in our daily lives and do nothing about it.

There are hilarious scenes with innocent yet street smart kids, bogus gurus, blind beliefs, and so on. I loved the scene where a few elders of the village go to the police station to report the theft of the horse. All kinds of conspiracy theories come up during the investigation. The local youth to the visiting foreigners are all blamed. You see the trust and the cynicism of the villagers simultaneously. I also loved the last scene where the president curses the village that it will not receive any rains and immediately it starts pouring.

Every time, I watch Iranian movies with simple yet gripping stories, I wonder if we will ever get to watch such movies on Indian cinema. This movie raised my hopes. Watch it if you haven’t already watched it and if you can understand Tamil. You will like it. 

Woo Your Husband

Watch this ad about wooing your husband.

Now, consider this scene I witnessed in a furnishings store. A woman in her fifties is shopping along with her son and daughter-in-law who are in their twenties. The DIL picked up a set of napkins and the MIL asked her if she really needed them. I was expecting the DIL to politely say that she liked it or that it matched the curtains etc. but she chose to meekly look at her husband and looked back at the napkins. She then unwillingly she put them back and then demurely looked at her husband. The husband then said to his mother “adhi emi chesukunte neeku emiti? Napkins theesuko”. Literally translated to “how does it matter to you what she is going to do with them. You can buy the napkins”. The husband paid for the stuff they bought and asked the women to fetch the stuff to the entrance while he would drive down from the parking. While the cashier was packing the purchases the DIL insisted that she needed a bigger carry bag. The MIL said that the bag was enough for their purchases. The daughter-in-law very assertively said that she wanted a bigger one.

I surprised that this same woman who was so helpless around her husband was very firm with her MIL and the cashier. I wondered if the husband knew that his wife was assertive.

Have you seen newly married couples in malls where the husband chooses dresses that are “modern” according to him? The wife tries them on clearly uncomfortable in the new set of clothes. A woman can look very trendy and smart in a nice pair of salwar-kameez or sari. The woman need not loose her personality to look “modern” in her husband’s eyes. After all one’s dressing style is a very important part of one’s personality. A woman should be allowed to explore and wear something that suits her personality and sense of style. But for many women their sense of dressing is dictated by their husbands. The woman’s choices are usually seen as too conservative/boring or too modern/slutty.

I don’t want to be too judgmental. I know marriages are not easy and all husbands/inlaws are not easy. My objection is to these compromises being seen as a smart choice. I have seen many movies specially made in the seventies or eighties, specially the ones where there is a lot chaos in the family and then a DIL enters to change everything, in which such messages where delivered. When a woman gives up her personality it is called adjustment and when she masks her personality she is called smart. I remember one Tamil serial in particular called Metti Oli in which the elder sister in the family is seen as a very samardhyam (capable) woman. She adjusts, changes, suffers, manipulates, and so on all for a worthless husband who never appreciates her and then when they are finally old acknowledges her, gives her control of the household and finances blah blah. Fruits of handwork are sweet kind of message. Yeah yeah I hated it but I still watched it because I didn’t have anything better to do :p.

I wonder if these are the different methods a woman must employ to have a successful marriage. If she really does, will she have an authentic relationship with her husband? Do we need to sugarcoat every word, mask our emotions, act dumb, act innocent and helpless and expect the MAN to do everything that poor me cannot do, manipulate, to have a picture perfect marriage/relationship? Why is the media conveying such messages?

Aadab Hyderabad

Aadab Hyderabad

You must visit this blog if you are a true blue Hyderabadi like me, lived here, visited it, heard about it, love photography or history, or whatever category you belong.

Random Thoughts

I am recovering from the love showered by the weather. This time the weather was a little too generous with me and my wheezing coughs scared my teammates. Every time I fall sick I realize my blog posts are delirious too. So here goes:

• I am surprised that “Why this Kolaveri di” is appreciated by non-tamil speaking people. I was surprised that Dhanush mumbling in Tanglish has become so popular. After listening to it a few times I realized that it is a little silly and tanglish makes it universally appealing as opposed to Tamil. I mean everyone can understand it unlike Tamil. Must say it is very articulate. ;) :D
• Yeah yeah I got to watch a few low budget sensible Tamil movies.
• I guess one falls sick because one’s body wants a break. The question is-was I really that tired?
• I realized that gender stereotyping starts with nursery rhymes. I was watching rhymes with my son and the video for “Around the Mulberry bush” has a girl washing clothes and a boy ironing clothes. Sometime back when I went to a kid’s store I saw rhymes books for boys were different from the ones for girls. I thought it was a one-off bad marketing idea. But there seems to be a pattern here.

Some very intellectual thoughts for you to chew on, is’nt it? :D heheh

Small things that make a world of difference

It is my birthday today and it got me thinking about my past birthdays. I am in a very mushy mood today so I started thinking about some very special moments too. There have been so many moments in my life where I was floored by a small gesture. These have kept me going for a very long time.
Bruno traveled all day long to come to Hyderabad so that he could celebrate my birthday. This is not a small gesture though. But, how many brothers do that for their sisters? My parents try to make my birthdays pleasant and memorable. I get my favourite food, cake, cards, dresses and so on. Most of all they are very patient with me when I delay getting ready for office which usually annoys them.
On my 30th birthday Shilpa wrote this blog post for me. I was so honoured. I miss that celebration in Minerva.
My time in Cordys was super good because of friends like Videhi, Sangeetha, and Suneetha. I was so thrilled with that surprise birthday party. Thanks a lot girls.
Now in CA, my Gang of Girls makes everyday fun. Breaks, birthdays, outings, etc are all fun.
My college birthdays were unforgettable. I would be, as always, late to class. I would then try to rush into the class as though a few seconds were going to help me getting into the class on time. As soon as my friends could hear me coming in through the corridor they would start singing “Happy B’day..”.
Then there is this friend who calls me on every birthday since I started working in Dell and sings the complete birthday song with a lot of enthusiasm.
Then there are some very special moments that I will cherish forever. Like my brother bought me a IPod and setup a wireless network at home after Benno was born. This year when my Dad got to know about Daughter’s day, he bought me a bouquet. That was such a sweet gesture.
On the launch of Akansha, Shilpa gave me a bouquet and a card just to wish me luck. Akansha was appreciated by everybody in Dell but all those praises cannot equal what Shilpa did for me. One moment treasured for the rest of my life.
In another instance, Sneha and I were meeting after a long weekend. As soon as she saw me she starting squealing that she really missed me. Another treasured moment.
Once when Videhi was shopping for books she bought me a German dictionary because I was going German classes then.
Treasured moments presented by some of the most treasured people in my life.
There are so many such instances but this page is not going to be enough. So I end here.

Being a Parent

Watch this TED talk-

The couple is right. But in my case it was love at first sight. Yes, I definitely love my son now more than then. But maybe I was very pleasantly surprised when I first saw my son. Because of what the doctors told me, no scared me during my pregnancy, I was expecting this skinny baby. But when I saw my son I was overjoyed. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and thanked God that my son was healthy. Every day since his birth has been a learning experience.

I read many books on post delivery. I thought I understood the various feeding positions. But when it was time to feed I realized I was ill prepared. Then I realized wrong positions add to gas in the baby.

Nobody tells you, atleast nobody told me that you would be feeding your baby almost all day and night. I read we have to feed a new born every two hours. But that they left out a small detail that this feeding pattern is followed only when the baby sleeps throughout those two hours. If the baby is awake, you would be feeding more frequently. So, you end up feeling that you are only feeding your baby and doing nothing else.

The first three months are the toughest with lack of sleep, exhaustion, harmones and so on and then you just get used to it. I heard about post partum depression mainly in the western media. I wondered why we didn’t have any in India. Atleast if we had, it did not seem very common, or not commonly reported. I found the answer post my delivery. It is because of our support system. Your family does not let you feel isolated. You would feel isolated because you just cannot run out of the door and do something spontaneous everytime you feel like it. You need to plan and pack even if you have to go to the Church or a shop close to your home.

You have to hurry up your mealtime. No more long relaxed meals with your family. You have to eat, pee etc before your baby wakes up. Your entire schedule is managed by your baby’s sleep times. My parents and my brother were very supportive at this time. They would give me breaks when I needed them. My brother bought me an IPod. He said I could listen to books, chat, browse all while taking care of the baby. His only condition was that I send pictures of the baby frequently. He set up a wireless network at home so that I could use the IPod anywhere in the house. This was the most thoughtful gift I ever received and I could access the world with it. My parents would keep talking to me and ensured that I was in good spirits.

When you become a parent you worry a lot. You worry about everything possible. I actually had tally marks for the number of times he went potty, had wet diapers, and the number of feeds to ensure that everything was ok with him. I would wake up in the middle of the night to check if his blanket was not covering his face. I panicked and I still do about him meeting his milestones on time.

Your baby will give you a million reasons to grin like a fool. His smiles, his laughs, and all his antics are pure joy.

Just like nobody knows the secret of a successful marriage irrespective of the number years one has been married, you realize that nobody knows the secret of being a good parent. One keeps trying so many things equipped with the little experience and knowledge one has and only a few of these things actually work. What works in one family may not necessarily work in another. So, parenthood is more of a scary, challenging, exciting, and a beautiful journey. Good luck if you have already embarked on that journey or planning to.